from chaos comes clarity

 birds.

 

peck.flap.squawk.shit.

 

i HATE BIRDS.

 

mybitchinblog's entry on birds got me thinking. there are only two species that i hate more than the avian variety:

 

arachnids (this includes the entire family...not just spiders..ugh)

and

insects (creepy-crawlers, things with more than a necessary amount of legs)

 

i effing HATE birds. i mean, hatred cannot scope much farther beyond my "aversion" to avians. i hate feathers. i hate the noise. i hate the SHITTING. i hate it all.

 

there are only 3 types of birds i don't mind:

 

1. penguins

2. puffins 

3. ducks

 

for one, penguins are cold-weather birds...and that means that they do not live in my immediate area. penguins also mate for life. this is why my girlfriend's nickname is "penguin". i call her "guin" for short.

 

puffins live in maine. that's cool. another cold-weather bird. also doesn't live anywhere near me. cool. they can live.

 

ducks. ducks live in my immediate area. they are cute as babies. they like to eat bread from my hands. but they don't squawk and their quacks do not echo. that's pretty sweet. also, they are annoying, but not as bad as any of the "flap.squawk.shit." variety.

 

i classify birds into 4 sub-groups

 

1. "flap.squawk.shit."

2. "tweet.brain aneurism.tweet."

3. "people think they are so majestic"

4. "kill me in my sleep"

 

first,the "flap.squawk.shit" kind is the most annoying to folks who do not like to be shit upon. these types are the kinds that are boring. they do nothing. boring old british men talk about their mating habits on the discovery channel. they also can include birds with "tehe names". the blue-footed booby for example...or the "titmouse".

 

second, the "tweet.brain aneurism.tweet." variety. gawd i think i hate these the most. finches. lovebirds. parakeets. cockatoos. parrots. they are so effing loud. they can make a single chirp so loud that my head will explode. this requires me to not be in the same 5 miles radius. my grandmother used to keep these kinds. i HATED waking up. the bastards would "tweet" so loudly at the sun that i wanted to fry them in a skillet for breakfast. AND their eggs.

 

thirdly, the "people think we're so majestic" variety. swans. geese. doves. no...no. birds just suck. what is majestic about a winged shit-machine over your head? or perhaps your brand new BLACK sports car? mull that one over. then, get a carport.

 

4. the "kill me in my sleep" variety. large birds. ostriches. emus. eagles. condors. vultures. let us not forget crows...they may not be large, but they are effing scary. i have nightmares about said creatures eating my eyeballs. i HATE these birds mostly because they are larger than natural. i shudder that they used to be bigger.

 

that being said, i understand that birds are important and stuff. they eat bugs and whatnot...but so do bats.

 

 

 

things with wings that are okay:

 

1. bats

2. fairies

3. butterflies

4. angels/demons (well, not demons so much...)

5. pegasus and the like

6. chickens because they are tasty

 

 

that being said, i effing HATE HATE HATE HATE birds.

 

 

*pant pant* i almost owe my fiancee a new keyboard, btw.

 

 

-kage jonas